I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
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bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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