i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
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Can I color on your dick again?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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