she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I came so hard my ears popped.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
