Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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