my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
