Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
