Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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