I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I forget how to act sober
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
