Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
