You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
