You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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