Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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