Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
