Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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