First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
