I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
