No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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