ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
