Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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