she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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