i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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