He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
