u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
