I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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