i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
