Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
