Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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