my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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