so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
