I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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