I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
