Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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