I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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