he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
