The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
