i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
