did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
