Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
