another moral hangover. fuck.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
