So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
