How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
