I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
