I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
