if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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