Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
