i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
