either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
