You smell like stripper and shame
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
