my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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