bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
