i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
