1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
