Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
