Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
