you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
