My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
