I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
