sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
