I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
