dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
