First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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